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An Open Blog Post for Editors

I had dinner with an author a few weeks ago.  I will not reveal the identity of this author, for the sake of his/her privacy, but it definitely happened.  And she/he told me stories about people who struggled for ten years before they got published.  This puts my own one-year struggle into perspective, naturally, but I can’t stop myself from having just a tiny pity party.  Lots and lots of rejection is hard to take.  As such, I decided to write a little pick-me-up blog post.  It’s a list of reasons why I think editors should pick up my book and run with it.  No editor will ever read it, but I don’t care, because I am writing this for the purpose of boosting my own morale, not actually convincing editors of anything.

1. I am my competitors’ biggest fan – Part of being a good writer is knowing what makes a good book.  And I know what makes a good book because I have read good books.  John Green, Tamora Pierce, Melissa Marr, Jennifer Lynn Barnes, Ned Vizzini.  I love them.  They are the people who make publishing my book that much harder and they are the people who have inspired the very best ideas that I have put to paper.  I read the books I’m trying to write, and I write the books I’d like to read.

2. My books are both similar and different – They are similar enough to what’s already been published to guarantee a sizable market, while remaining different enough from everyone else’s stuff to stand alone and be memorable.

3. I will do whatever it takes to promote myself – If you tell me that I need to visit fifty states in fifty-two days to do book signings and readings, I will respond with, “Get me a half a jar of peanut butter and an IV drip of caffeine and we’ll be all set.”  I want to do this.  I would legitimately enjoy it.  Nothing is too much when it comes to promoting my books and myself as an author.

Sleep Deprived

4. I am in my early twenties – At the moment, I am no more than nine or ten years older than the youngest person in my target demographic.  Even better, I am the same age as many of the people who are in my target demographic.  Even better again, I wrote most of my books when I was even younger than I am now.  I think you can see where I’m going with this.  Also, not to use my competitors’ age against them, but I have a lot of life left in me.  A lot more books to pump out before my inevitable psychological breakdown at age sixty-three.

Haunting Words

ALSO…

5. I have a lot of books in me – I have written tons of books already.  Like at least six.  Two of them are even good.  A third is good enough to merit a second rewrite in as many years.  That is how much I care for that story.  I care for all my stories, but mainly just the good ones.  Some of the books I wrote or attempted to write were, let’s face it, terrible.  But isn’t that something?  That I can identify when my own writing isn’t up to snuff?

6. I do more than write – You don’t have to read my whole blog from start to finish.  In fact, please don’t (my first few posts were really dumb).  But if you just flip through the last twenty posts or so you will notice some things.  I draw, I cartoon, and I animate.  I make little glass things that don’t sell because I only have a couple dozen Facebook friends.  I also blog, which is definitely different from writing novels.  I have no idea what this means except that I’m multifaceted, I guess.  Who knows when you’ll need a blogging/cartooning/animating/flameworking author in your repertoire?  It might come in handy.

Just look at how cute Mini Bex is!

Selling Point

Alright I’m done.  Sorry about that self-serving ego-fest.

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Some Open Letters

I didn’t originally intend this post to be an homage to Allie Brosh, but I realized after writing it in my head that I couldn’t possibly not mention her.  She was writing posts like this one long before I started blogging.

Anyway, here are my letters:

Dear Other Dog Owners,

My dog is not always friendly towards other dogs.  Don’t get me wrong; he loves people.  If he met you on the street (sans dog), he would think you were his new best friend.  He’d probably sit on your foot and gaze up at you adoringly, hoping you’d start petting him and never stop.  But if he sees another dog, he can get aggressive or territorial.  This is why I always walk him on a leash.  And I have a corrective collar attachment that helps me keep him under control (squirrels and cats are also in danger, after all).  I also turn and walk away if I see another dog being walked nearby.  But all this means nothing if your dog is free to come over and get murdered.*  Please, please, PLEASE put your dog on a leash when you walk him or her.

“But he’s a good boy.  He never leaves my side!” you might say.

But what if he does?

“Oh, she always comes when I call her.”

But what if she doesn’t?

Listen, it’s obviously a tremendous burden to take two extra seconds to put a leash on your dog, but breaking up a fight is worse, right?  Just think on it, okay?  One menial task could save all of us a lot of grief.

Love,
Bex

Dear (Probably Drunk) People Who (I Guess) Have Made a Hobby of Breaking Glass Bottles on the Sidewalk,

I wear shoes.

My dog doesn’t.

Dog in shoes

You guys are assholes.

Love,
Bex

Dear Lady Who Left Her One-and-a-Half-Year-Old Son in His Stroller OUTSIDE the Teavana While You Went in to Order a Drink,

I have a short list of words here for you, and they’re all related in some way.  Let’s see if you can guess what that relation is:

1. Pedophiles

2. Kidnappers

3. Child Molesters

4. Pedophiles who kidnap children so they can molest them*

5. Crowded malls with women who are conveniently not near their children or paying attention in any way

Can you guess what all these things have in common?  That’s right: You’re an idiot!

Love,
Bex

That’s all.  Just a few things I needed to get off my chest.

Word of the Day: Menial (adj) – Lowly and sometimes degrading.

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*Dear All the People Who Need to See this Disclaimer,

I am not trying to make light of pedophilia, kidnapping, or child molestation.  Quite the opposite, I fear for any child who is left unattended in a crowded area.  That is what prompted the above “letter.”  

I would also like it known that it is not my intention to insult any of my readers.  If you are a person who does not use a leash when walking your dog, then that is your decision.  My “letter” was meant to be a cautionary one, written with the use of humor because that is how I write most everything.  It was not a personal attack.  I don’t even know you.

And finally: My dog would not murder your dog.  He has, in fact, met dogs he’s been perfectly friendly with.  He is not feral.  He might bite, snap, growl, or something like that just to show dominance or to get the other dog to get away from “his” territory.  I have yet to convince him that the neighborhood does not belong to him.  He is a very sweet boy, so I would not want you to think ill of him.

Love,
Bex

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Sexism

Let’s talk about sexism, shall we?  Instead of cartoons today, I’m going to use commercials to illustrate my points.

As many people know, a lot of sexism is directed at women.  So much so, in fact, that when the idea of applying it to men even occurs, people tend to call it “reverse sexism.”  Which is not a real thing, but they’ve forgotten that “sexism” applies to any kind of negative, prejudicial treatment based on one’s sex.  And the term “sex” in this case refers to Male and Female.  (Note that “sex” is different from “gender.”  I can’t even write a blog post on the treatment of people of different genders because my brain will explode from all the emotions running through me.)

Now I can’t blame people for thinking “sexism” only applies to women.  After all, women were the ones who had to fight for the right to vote.  And women are the ones who are constantly characterized as the “mothers” in commercials who clean up after their kids, pets, and doofy husbands.  (Instead of referring you to one specific commercial, I’d like to refer you to Sarah Haskins, who once did a fantastically amusing segment called Target Women)

I would seriously recommend watching all of Target Women, since it’s a pretty amazing show.

But what I wanted to talk about today was not sexism towards Females.  I want to talk about sexism towards Males, because apparently there isn’t enough talk about that.  For starters, the above “Doofy Husbands” sketch is pretty good.  It shows sexism toward men and women alike.  But even that isn’t as bad as these (Please watch, no matter how painful):

Going backwards, I want to address Carl’s Jr. first.  (Known in some states as Hardee’s, for some reason)

Carl’s Jr. capitalizes on the phrase “There is no such thing as bad publicity.”  Carl’s Jr. insults both men and women equally, as can be seen in this commercial.  (The woman is characterized as the good cook, implying she would be cooking FOR her doofy boyfriend, as well as someone who likes “furry toilet seat covers” because…ew)  Yet somehow they still have customers.  But, again, I don’t want to talk about the sexism towards the “girlfriend” in this commercial.  I want to talk about “Without us, some guys would starve.”  Now, to be fair, it says “some guys” and not “all guys.”  Big whoop.  Carl’s Jr. is constantly portraying men as useless oafs who can’t do “feminine” things like cook (or even crack an egg!) and who need to prove their masculinity by eating huge, greasy, drippy things on buns.

Then there’s the new Dr. Pepper.  Where to start?

I talked earlier about the impossible, insulting standards the fashion industry sets for women.  But what about the standards set for men?  Men are constantly being challenged to prove their “manliness.”  In Carl’s Jr. commercials, as well as soda commercials, and numerous other ads.  Naturally diet soda was for women, so Dr. Pepper decided to come right out and say “Look men, this is who you should be!  Rugged, outdoorsy, manly.  This is how we relate to you.  With an unclean, ridiculous-looking stereotype that is somehow supposed to appeal to your inner man and make you drink diet soda which tastes no manlier than any other soda.”  (I haven’t tried it, but it isn’t hard to guess).

What is manly?  We’ve already discovered what ads think “womanly” is.  Despite the leaps and bounds women have made in the fight for equality, we are still portrayed as the wives and mothers who clean and do laundry and smile at the antics of their families.  And men?  Men don’t get it any better.  “Be manly” the ads say.  “Have a wife and children, never cry, eat tree bark, love meat, have muscles in places where there shouldn’t even be muscles.  And if you don’t do that, well you’re just not a man, are you?”  This is ridiculous.  Every time a commercial, or anyone really, challenges a man to be “manly,” they are being sexist.  Plain and simple.  Any time someone challenges a person or group to conform, it is deplorable.  Frankly, advertising companies should be ashamed.  But they’re not, because they have money.  I just think ads are a good litmus test for how far humanity really has progressed.  The day we stop seeing ads like those featured above is the day that maybe we have finally taken a step forward.  Oh and I’ll leave you with this one, just in case you weren’t angry enough at Dr. Pepper:

Have a comic!

Writer's-Block-Strip-29

Word of the Day: Deplorable (adj) – 1. Causing or being a subject for grief or regret; lamentable.    2. Causing or being a subject for censure, reproach, or disapproval; wretched; very bad.

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