Tag Archives: humor

Hopefully Won’t End up on Regretsy

[EDIT 12/31/14: I’m leaving this post up because I at one point took the time to write it, and also because no one should ever forget that Sarah Palin hates Chanukah, but I have since closed my Etsy shop.  I am a quitter.  Sorry.]

You probably don’t know this, but the holidays are right around the corner.  If you need a reminder that Sarah Palin thinks Christmas is way more important to the world than Chanukah (or any other religious holiday that falls around this time of year), you need only look as far as this book she wrote.  Please do click on that link.  Scroll down to the bottom to find soundbites from the audiobook.  Her nasally voice will teach you all about how the attempts to recognize more religions than Christianity in our country are jeopardizing our religious freedom.  As a Jew, I find this acceptable.  I mean, between hearing “Merry Christmas” from the teenager who just put my groceries in a bag, and hearing “Happy Holidays,” I’d definitely go with “Merry Christmas.”  Everyone knows a Jewish person’s comfort zone is being ignored, oppressed, demeaned, or belittled.

Anyway, more important than Sarah Palin: Anything really!

And more important than that: For the holidays I decided to make all my female coworkers glass pendants, since I have access to a small flameworking studio and I know how to do a bit of flameworking.

The thing is, I made way more necklaces than I actually needed.  Which left me with only one option: Open an Etsy shop and capitalize on the yuletide gift-buying season.  Click right the frick here to go to my shop.  But also keep this page open to see an exclusive, behind-the-scenes peek at how I make my pendants.

Flamework1
All flameworkers know that the first step to making any piece is taking a ridiculous picture of yourself wearing the mandatory weirdo glasses that help you see into the flame.

Flamework2
These are the materials – rods of clear and colored glass.  Fun fact: Red glass (seen above, in the middle) turns clear when heated, and only turns red again when it’s cooled and/or annealed.

Flamework3
I decided to go with pink since I hadn’t made one that color yet.

Flamework5
Fun Fact #2: This seemingly clear glass is not clear at all.  It’s one of my favorite kinds: Amber-Purple, which only looks clear or slightly yellowish until it’s heated.  Then it becomes (you guessed it) amber and purple.

Flamework6
See what I mean?  Same rod of glass, different end.  Someone accidentally fused red glass to it thinking it was clear.  They were Amber-Purpled, to coin a phrase.

Flamework7
Anyway, you start by heating up clear glass…

Flamework8
Mix in a little pink…

Flamework9
Until you get this.

Flamework10
Then you heat the crap out of it…

Flamework11
And flatten it with this spatula-looking thing.

Flamework12
Which gives you something like this.

Flamework13
In flameworking there are two kinds of seals: A hot seal and a cold seal.  Hot seals are when you melt two pieces of glass together in the flame, making them into one piece.  Cold seals are different.  If you heat up one piece of glass then stick it to a cooler piece of glass that isn’t in the flame, they’ll stick together without actually fusing together.  This means you can use another rod of glass to help manipulate your piece, and when you’re done with it it’ll come right off.  That cold-sealed rod is called a “punty,” seen on the right in the photo above.  With the punty in place, you heat up the glass circle and twist it up a bit, seen below.

Flamework14
(The punty is on the left now)  Once you’ve got your twirl, you just heat up the clear glass end and pull it out a bit to create a hook…

Flamework15
Like so.  Tweezers help at this point to form the loop there.

Flamework16
Once your hook is formed, you heat the crap out of it again until you get a good, hot seal – meaning the hook won’t break apart later – and give that punty a tap.  It’ll come right off.  And suddenly you’ve got a pretty little pendant!

Even better news, that pendant will be (or “is now” if you are reading this in the future) for sale in my shop!  You can buy the very same piece from the above pictures for a very modest price!  Gift buying season is upon us, folks.  Share the love!

Happy Holidays!

Word of the Day: Anneal (v) – to heat (glass, earthenware, metals, etc.) to remove or prevent internal stress.

P.S. Apparently I’m seriously out of the loop and Regretsy is gone!  But I’ll never forgetsy.

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Filed under Humor, writing

I am Orangutan

It’s finally reached the breaking point, boiling over, filling me with rage.  I want to shout it loud and clear: YOU CANNOT BE OCD!!!  Not possible.  OCD, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, is a NOUN.  That is like saying “I am apple” or “I am orangutan.”  It doesn’t work!  Unless, of course, you are an orangutan who has mastered the basics of English but still stumbles over little things like articles, in which case I applaud you, Sir Ape.  Congratulations on achieving something so monumental.  Surely you are the envy of your ape peers.

Furthermore, if you say you are obsessive compulsive (which is the right way to say that, if not “I have OCD.”) then you are probably still wrong.  Let me break it down: Obsessions are the thoughts.  The ones you can’t get rid of.  They invade your brain, leaving room for nothing else.  The only way you can stop them is if you do something.  And that is where the compulsion part comes in.  A compulsion is a thing you do to help drive out the obsessive thought.  For example, there was once a man who had to drive over a single speed bump on his way to work every morning.  And every time he drove over that speed bump, he had the same obsessive, invasive thought: What if that was a person I just ran over?  He thought about it so much that he had to turn and go around the block again just to double check that it was a speed bump and not a person.  This would be an obsession followed by a compulsion.  Even worse, as soon as he went over the bump again, he had the same thought: Was it a person?  He would go back over that same speed bump so many times that it made him late for work.  In the end, he began waking up earlier in the morning just so he could accommodate this hour-long, obsessive-compulsive delay and still arrive to work on time.

That, my friends, is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

It is not:

Wanting to finish eating your hamburger before starting on your fries.

Wanting all your pencils to be sharp.

Cleaning your room regularly.

Watching every episode of a show in order.

FURTHERMORE, it is definitely not a disorder unless it meets the three D’s: Deviant, Dysfunction, Distressful.

In other words, if it doesn’t fuck up your life in a major way, it’s not a disorder.

So stop abusing OCD.  People who really have it will thank you.  People who don’t have it should be glad they don’t spend six hours a week driving over the same speed bump.  I don’t care if you can only listen to Britney Spears music while wearing pink socks.  That might make you weird, but it doesn’t give you the right to self-diagnose with a serious disorder.

In other news, I’d like to take a quick second to thank everyone who has supported my blog this far.  I recently surpassed 200 followers, which doesn’t seem like a lot, but it is to me because I started this thing with zero.  And I don’t really do a lot of self promotion, or comment regularly on other blogs, so 200 is a big accomplishment for me.  So thank you.  And please excuse the rant.

Love,

Bex

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Filed under Grammar, Humor, Language, writing

The Hitman

Last night I couldn’t sleep.  I tossed and turned ’til about four or five in the morning.  It got to the point where I was so desperate to fall asleep that I tried to tell myself a story (in my head, not out loud).  At first I started, “Once upon a time there lived a princess…” but I didn’t like that, so I changed it.  And when I still couldn’t sleep, I drew pictures to illustrate it in my head.  The finished product is here for you today.  Can’t believe I remembered it!

[Begin Story]

Once upon a time there was a hitman.

Hitman 1

The Hitman was very sad because he lived in Solvang, California, and the general population of elderly people and tourists never needed anyone killed.

Hitman 2

Still, The Hitman did not lose hope that his business would one day take off.  He’d never actually killed a person before, but he was sure he could do it.

Meanwhile, to make ends meet, he got a job working the front desk at a local inn.

Hitman 3

But the phone never rang.

Hitman 4

He got so desperate that he tried posting flyers around town.

Hitman 5

But that didn’t work either.

Hitman 6

The Hitman began to give up hope that he would ever get a hit.  Then one day, his phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hi, are you that guy who advertises as a hitman?” asked the man on the other end.

“Yes,” The Hitman said excitedly.  “Did you need someone killed?”

“I’ll say!  Someone keeps sneaking into my yard at night and vandalizing it.  I’d like to have him taken care of, if you know what I mean.”

“Absolutely,” said The Hitman.  “Have you ever seen the vandal before?”

“No, but he comes every night after we go to sleep.  You can sit on the porch and wait for him.  He’ll show.”

The Hitman excitedly took down the man’s address and phone number.  They discussed rates for a bit, and then they hung up.

That very night, The Hitman went to the man’s house, sat on the porch, and waited.

Hitman 6

Sure enough, around midnight, he heard a rustle in the bushes.  Feeling his heart beat faster, he stood up and quietly snuck up behind the source of the rustling.  Both the vandal and The Hitman were in for a surprise.

Hitman 7

The Hitman took one look at the pup and sighed.

Hitman 8

Hitman 9

After that night, The Ex-Hitman never regretted giving up on his dream.  He decided to throw all his efforts into the inn business, and soon he was able to start his own.

Hitman 10

His business was successful.  He was happy.  His customers were happy.  And Pup was happy.  It is safe to say that they lived happily ever after, even though The Ex-Hitman never got to kill anyone.

Hitman 11

THE END

So now you know why I haven’t posted anything new in weeks.  It took me so, so long to draw all this.  But I am ridiculously happy with the finished result despite the fact that this project was completely and utterly pointless.  I was even going to put a comic at the end, but honestly I can’t even think about drawing more right now.  You’ll get a comic next time.  Also, not that it matters, this post was written the day after I came up with the story, but it’s being published many days later, due to the aforementioned drawing time.  So it wasn’t really just last night that I came up with the idea, but the meaning doesn’t really change, so I guess this was a pointless tangent.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my little story!  Bye for now!

Word of the Day: Caprice (n) – a sudden, unpredictable change, as of one’s mind or the weather.

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Filed under Humor, writing