Tag Archives: humor

October 18, 2012 · 3:57 PM

Out of Context and into a New One

So I have this best friend, that I might have mentioned once or twice in the past.  The only instances I remember are from like…one of my first ever posts, which I refuse to link to because I like to pretend that part of my life never happened, and this post here.  Anyway, her name is Liz.  Here’s a picture of us together:

As she is currently residing in Scotland, where she is attending university, she requested that I put her in some form of Tartan.  I have never drawn Tartan before, so I apologize if it looks a bit sloppy.  That might be why she looks so perturbed in that picture.  Anyway, you might have noticed that we are two very different people…

But despite our differences, and my slightly longer right arm (how did that happen?), we have some hilarious conversations.  Usually on Skype or Facebook.  And I thought to myself that we could make some interesting poetry out of the things that Liz and I have said to each other over the past couple months.  You can guess what I did.  Below you will find eighteen poems composed solely of things that we have said to each other on Facebook chat.  Now I know I’ve said before that I don’t particularly like poetry.  In fact, if you clicked onto the post that I linked to above, you already know my opinion on the matter.  But I must say that this project was really fun to take on, and I thought the results were so amusing that they just had to be shared.  So here you go:

#1
Surgically removing the vocal cords it is then
It’d be amazeballs if you could do that
I am kind of a nerd, remember
 
#2
An Italian girl with the last name Ferrari. Priceless
I am kind of a nerd, remember
 
#3
I have a little bit of pride for my country right now. It’ll pass I’m sure
Anyone?  Anyone?
I’m not going to pretend I know where North Dakota is
Lots of English speakers don’t seem to know English
Whatever it was, I’m sure they deserved it
 
#4
I might have a puppy
Maybe the gophers are her true friends
I shan’t tell you
 
#5
My bladder insists I recognize its needs as valid
Are you a zombie?
No, obviously that predated being a responsible adult
 
#6
I don’t believe that this tiny Chinese girl is twenty
She just executed a perfect double shoe string flip into a backwards turkey somersault
Triple Deluxe Assassination Flips
A picture needed to happen
 
#7
So how’s you? Alive, which is good
It’s all the steroids
Amerrca has the best ‘roids
Yoga is dangerous bidniss
 
#8
How’s he feeling about being a real man?
Apparently he proposed with a ring from a toy store
Not being pregnant is pretty awesome
 
#9
Mittens Romney is running for president
I hope you ask the lunch’s permission first
After we fuck it
 
#10
Greetings from Slightly Less Pathetic-Ville
I wish an eerie fog hadn’t just descended over the city
Maybe when they give women the right to vote and foreigners the right to be treated as equals, things will change
They don’t even have pizza
 
#11
Silence? What’s that? Can I talk through it?
I thought I was all about hyperbole
Chocolate chip EVERYTHING exists
The house smelled so badly of smoke, I thought it might be on fire
 
#12
You seemed to want to talk
Just as an aside really
I was exhausted and angry
I realized I didn’t have to be that mean
Were you mean?
Don’t feel bad because it was hilarious
 
#13
We hope to satisfy you
Poor unpaid Romanian slave
I would like to return a pair of jeans I got in the mail today
Clearly our friendship is over
If they don’t understand the sarcasm then surely they’ll not understand what I’m asking for
Yet again
Clearly our friendship is over
 
#14
We’re not representing your brilliant new RomCom
I lost my virginity at Hebrew School
Either psychotically creepy or psychotically cute
The world may never know
That’d be the weirdest thing to brag about
 
#15
The time left in our lives is ticking away
Steal that idea and make it good
I wish I could
I don’t like being busy and important
I don’t think anything will come of this
I hate the word “job.” Also “money.” Also “what” and “are” and “you” and “going” and “to do” and “to make”
But I have my own ideas to make good
 
The time left in our lives is ticking away
Those people try to outrun the wind
Like a moth to skinny jeans
My brain is a toddler
I think you made a wrong turn somewhere in your life
I’m sorry mum, I’d love to visit, but I’ve been enslaved
Smiley faces are always offending you
 
The time left in our lives is ticking away
It kinda feels like you’re not allowed to be an idiot anymore
All the better for having sex with random strangers
Watching Batman cartoons indeed
I’m glad you’re finally fulfilled
Should I be flattered?
Things are looking up already
 
The time left in our lives is ticking away
Towards what or from what, I don’t know
Find a way to not be bored
Like maybe trying to be blue
If you’re ever here and not having illegal amounts of sex
Yes I am, and no I won’t
 
The time left in our lives is ticking away
Death is hilarious
Clearly the work of masters
 
#16
Oh, he is the sweetest of sweethearts
He asked what the definition of a party was, and I said it was him
He didn’t tell me what happened
He’s a stupidly fast learner
He thinks he’s funny sometimes. It’s cute
He surprised me, and I can sustain myself for weeks on the memory of seeing him there in my kitchen
He’s going to be in my future even if I have to drag him there kicking and screaming
 
#17
JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED
I thought I was all about hyperbole
UNLESS YOU’RE ME
Oh, he is the sweetest of sweethearts
WHICH YOU’RE NOT
If you’re ever here and not having illegal amounts of sex
YOU’RE A HEATHEN
 
#18
He’s done picking out the livers and leaving them all over the floor
Some people like to believe that’s food
Hot fudge, man.  Hot fudge
Next to steak
Christmas sushi is the best
You stay at home and eat jicama
Your food is against my religion
Why don’t I eat this and nothing else forever?
Maybe I will choose you over food
I hope you’re suitably disgusted
 

Word of the Day: Tartan (n) – a woolen or worsted cloth woven with stripes of different colors and widths crossing at right angles, worn chiefly by the Scottish Highlanders, each clan having its own distinctive plaid.

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October 7, 2012 · 3:17 PM

Phone Booths! (Telephone Boxes?)

Hello!

Did I complete my phone booths, you ask?  Oh, yes, I did, thus undoing some of the damage from that incredibly stupid thing I did.  Did I permanently damage my back hunching over my computer as I painstakingly added minute details?  Oh, yes…probably.  I’m going to give you the full series at the bottom of this post, including the ones I posted a while back, (it’ll look long, but they’re only pictures, so they go by quickly) but first, two things.

1. A quick segment on how advertisers use wording to make you think they’re offering you something special.

I’m sure you’ve all seen some cheese-based product or another that advertises:

Cheez-Its

Kraft Mac ‘n’ Cheese does it, too.  As do a number of other products.  I’m pretty sure many of you have also eaten these products, and questioned the veracity of these advertised statements.  I know I have.  But all I want to point out is that these products have “Cheese” in the name (usually).  At least in one form or another, right?  (I suppose “cheez” has been accepted into the English lexicon)  So why should they have to advertise to us that their cheese product is made with cheese?  Shouldn’t we be able to take that for granted?  It just bothers me that, not only do we not already expect cheese products to be made of cheese, but that they sell us this stuff by advertising that the products are made with “real cheese” as if this is an added bonus.  Am I making sense?  It’s like if you grabbed a loaf of bread and it advertised that it’s made with Real Flour!  Shouldn’t that be a given?  I was just about to type that this is “food for thought,” but…puns.  Um…this is just something to think about.  No metaphor there, but you get the message.  I’m only pointing it out to make you think a bit.

#2.  I’ve come across another book I couldn’t finish.

That’s not entirely true – I could finish it, but the sad truth is I really don’t want to.  It didn’t give me any reason to.  I found I honestly don’t care what happens to the characters.  The book is called Shiver, by Maggie Stiefvater.  It’s a werewolf book.  I have a thing for werewolf books.  Way back when I was listing my favorite authors and why I love them, I never got around to Patricia Briggs.  She writes my favorite werewolf series.  She’s a great author, she covers really weighty topics in her books, and her main character – Mercedes Thompson – can turn into a coyote at will.  She’s the only non-werewolf in a pack of werewolves, which helps to drive the plot.  Oo, that’s an interesting word: Plot.  You know what I found I was missing in Shiver?  Plot.  That’s not to say there isn’t one – there is.  And it’s well established.  But toward the middle of the book, I felt I only got snippets of plot that were surrounded with too much Love Story (in my opinion), and it honestly bored me.  I got that these characters were in love.  At some point it just felt like I was being beaten over the head with it.  So I decided to stop reading.  Because 208 pages into the 390 page book…well, I’m still not quite sure what’s actually going to be happening.  Not in a mysterious way.  More in a…the plot is taking a backseat to the lovers’ story kind of way.  So…I’m not interested.  There’s very little action.  I like action.  Just my preference.  I’m sure some other people are way into this series (Yes, of course it’s a series), but for me, it’s not happening.  The book is going into the donation pile.

That’s it!  I know, I didn’t do any cartoons today.  Perhaps the phone booths will make up for it.

Word of the Day: Veracity (n) – conformity to truth or fact; accuracy.

#1 – On the Street

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#2 – Night Sky

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#3 – In the Forest

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#4 – Parchment

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

# 5 – Men at Work

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#6 – Crumpled

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#7 – Long Distance Call

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#8 – Primary Colors

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#9 – Out of Outline

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#10 – Waterlogged

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#11 – Optical Illusion

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#12 – Collective

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#13 – Under the Sea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#14 – On the Beach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#15 – Haunted

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September 17, 2012 · 4:57 PM

Some Things to Keep in Mind BEFORE Querying an Agent (Part 3)

We’ve come to the end of a long journey, my friends.  Thank you for sticking with me this far.  I’ve got some last points to make, and then I’ll let you be on your merry way.  So let’s get to it!  The finale!

#8 – When we tell you we’re swamped – we mean it!

This is basically a reiteration of what I said in my previous post, but with more focus on the rejection letters you will inevitably receive.  Most rejection letters will include an apology that goes something like, “While your book is no doubt wonderful, we have decided to pass as this time.  Please understand that we receive a great deal of submissions each day, yadda yadda.”  Just wanted to let you know…we mean it when we say that.  When we reject you, it really doesn’t mean that your book is bad and that you should stop trying.  That being said, there are some things you should keep in mind…

#9 – Do YOU like your book?

How do I say this?  Of course you have to like your book if you believe in it enough to send it out to agents, but…have you read similar titles?  Have you compared your book to other books you like and seen if it holds up to the already published books’ high standards?  They say you are your own worst critic.  I think that’s good.  It’s when you’re your own biggest fan that you run into trouble.  If you’re unable to cast a critical eye on your own work, play devil’s advocate and anticipate the criticisms that agents are going to give, then your book probably isn’t quite ready to be unleashed on the world.

When I talked about doing your research in my last post, and having other people read your work, I really, really meant it.  Because we are busy, and we don’t want to have our time wasted by the first 100 pages of literary nonsense that fell out of your brain.  It’s harsh, but it’s true.  A lot of people think agents are there to do your critiquing and revising for you, but that’s just not right.  We can’t take on a book unless it’s as close to finished as it can possibly get without the help of a professional editor.  Our jobs are on the line if your book doesn’t sell, so we can’t take on a project that only has the potential for being good.  Because there’s no guarantee that the author will be receptive to our criticism, and, even if they are, they still might not be able to make the changes we want to see.

And finally…

#10 – How is your book different from the hundreds of thousands that are already out there?

When agents like a book, they have to go through the same process that authors do – querying.  Only agents query the publishers, and the publishers aren’t keen on taking on every project that gets sent their way.  So we have to know why this book is unique and different and guaranteed to sell a million copies.  Which means you have to know all that, and you have to tell us!  When you do your research and find other similar titles, you have to tell us that you’ve looked at them, and that yours is different because it has/does/includes____________________, which none of those other books have done.  Now, this doesn’t necessarily have to be included in the query, though it wouldn’t hurt, but you should be prepared to answer those questions in case they’re asked.  Especially if you know that your book is really, really similar to, say, the Sherlock Holmes series.  We’re going to want to know how you’re different from a Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wannabe, and you’d better be prepared with a better answer than, “My book takes place in present day.”

That’s it!  We’re done!  Hooray!  I hope I was somewhat helpful.

Word of the Day: Finale (n) – The last piece, division, or movement of a concert, opera, or composition.

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