Tag Archives: Romance novels

September 3, 2015 · 9:02 AM

Title That Indicates I’m Going to be Talking About Romance Novels Again

I’ve been doing some research into romance novels.  This research has stemmed from a renewed attempt to figure out the genre, and how I can produce a work that fits the parameters of same.  In the interest of said research, I read one and a half new romance novels, bringing my total romance novel consumption to about twenty and a half, probably.  Maybe more.  I never stopped to count how many Sherrilyn Kenyon novels I’d read, because I wanted to maintain whatever shred of self respect I had left.

Anyway, at this point I believe I’ve come to some conclusions about a typical romance novel.  “Typical” in this case means “a straight man and a straight woman fall in love despite some obstacle or another.  And there are probably werewolves involved.”  I made notes in my phone.  Before we continue I am issuing a warning that there will be no graphic imagery but there will be sexual content in the writing that follows.  If the idea of this upsets you, stop reading.  I will forgive you!

Okay, here are the notes:

1. Each character must act like they’ve never before seen a member of the opposite sex that they were attracted to.

Match Made in Heaven

2. There must be a constant inner monologue from both characters’ perspectives about how attractive they find each other.  Remember to really beat that into the reader’s head.  I have to wonder what one person is doing while the other is weighing out all the pros and cons of having sex with them.  All I can think of is a scenario that goes something like this:

Offer-of-Sex

3. Women must be saved from their emotions.

4. Men must curse their emotions (in that said emotions lead to relationships, which men either fear or believe they don’t deserve due to their dark and brooding past).

5. (This is exactly how I typed it into my phone last night) A man waiting for consent before doing a sex is super gentlemanly and attractive.  If he both asks for consent and is ridiculously hot, then it is ok to have sex with him within 24 hours of meeting him.  A lasting, loving relationship is sure to ensue.

Note on #5: I have read two novels so far that treat consent like a novel concept.  The first did it horribly wrong, where the male lead – the love interest! – was undeniably assaulting the female lead, but she decided it was okay because, hey, at least he’s hot and deep down inside she really did want this, didn’t she?  I was appalled.  The second got a pass because the female lead had been raised in an emotionally abusive environment with people who constantly belittled her, so she was truly learning that consent was a thing she could expect and ask for.  Still I mean… let’s just get past this, okay?  I think it’d be a great help if romance novels just took consent as a given, and didn’t tout it as some sort of proof of the man’s character.  “He didn’t rape me, so he must be a gentleman!” just doesn’t work.

6. Men are always upset (at least once per book) by the unfortunate combination of their stiff and/or tight jeans and their erections.  It’s super uncomfortable for them, and the reader definitely needs to know that.  It is crucial to the plot.  The sexy, sexy plot.

Manhood

7. No butt stuff.  Butt stuff is neither romantic nor a symbol of twue wuv.  Only oral and vaginal sex are loving forms of sexual expression.  Reading the previous statements may very well have made you uncomfortable, and therein lies the root of the problem.  Sex with a stigma attached to it is not sexy.  Therefore it is not mentioned, hinted at, or overtly used in any way.

8. Every eleven words, at least one character thinks about how much they want to have sex/pictures the love interest naked/is actively having sex with that love interest.

9. A real man knows it’s his duty to bring a woman to orgasm before he has his own climax.  That’s just common courtesy.  Conversely, the woman does not owe the man pleasure.  His orgasm is not brought on by her actions, but is rather his reward for seeing to her needs first.  And because she’s hot.  He gets to orgasm because she is very attractive, as his inner monologue should have pointed out several times already.

So there you have it.  The results of my study.  If you were thinking about writing a steamy romance of your own, now’s your chance.  You have a handy little guide right here.

I’ll be writing soon about my second rewrite of Grotesque!  Ta!

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February 9, 2015 · 10:39 AM

Aquatic Interlude

So I drew a mermaid.  And that is all this post is going to be about.

A little context:

1. Somewhat recently I drove from New York to North Dakota to Texas, so I had a lot of time to think.

2. One of the things I thought about was mermaids.  I don’t know why.  But I do know that I always struggled with the concept of the archetypal mermaid (think Disney’s version) because of, um…sex reasons.  Like…fish reproduce outside their bodies, but human beings don’t.  Mermaids have breasts and uteri (never thought I’d need the plural of that word), but no um…vaginas.  So…you know, how does giving birth work?

2.5 While we’re on the subject!  They have knees!  Like even though their lower halves are cartilaginous and fish have no knees, animators and artists always put mermaids in sitting positions where their fins are bent like there’s a knee in there.  As long as people do that, mermaids are always going to look like human women who put on half a fish costume and tried to pretend they were mythological beings.

3. Yes, this absolutely needed to be in list form.

4. No, I don’t expect a cartoon for children to explore mer-vaginas and how they work.  We can leave that to romance novels like this one, written by P. C. Cast.

4.5 Please don’t ask why I know about this book.  Please.

4.75 Cartoons for children can explore mer-knees if they really want to.

5. I started to try to come up with a concept that would work by merging fish and woman and also allowing for more mammalian reproduction.

5.5 Look, I’m not obsessed with mermaids or mermaid sex, okay?  I don’t even know why it bothered me so much.  Probably because it was a really freakin’ long road trip.

6. Obviously, I drew my concept.  I waited until I was settled in my new home.

7. What I came up with looks a little like Mystique from X-Men.  Whoops.

8. First, just a rough sketch on paper:

Mermaid

9. Then I filled in the blanks with Photoshop Elements.

Mermaid copy

10. That’s uh…that’s it.  The above mermaid can have sex and give birth.  And she has knees!

11. Wooo mermaid sex!

12. Sorry for the partial nudity.  NSFW maybe?

12.5 I probably should have done the whole NSFW warning earlier.

12.75 Too late for that now.  The list is set in stone.  It is unchangeable.

13. Okay, I’m done now.  I swear.

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September 21, 2013 · 1:27 PM

A Note about “Trashy” Novels

Yeah, I know I said I was going to do another post about all the books that are meaningful to me, but that’s not going to happen.  Let’s face it, I’ve got a “Books I Recommend” page that includes all the books that I found most meaningful, and it would be too difficult to decide on only a few to talk about.

So, on to a topic that I’ve explored before.

50 Shades of Grey
I was talking with a fellow server at IHOP when she asked me if I watched the Vampire Diaries TV show.  I told her I did not since I am a big fan of the books (Or I was; I kind of grew bored of the series after a while) and the show basically did the same thing as the Ella Enchanted and Percy Jackson movies and True Blood – they kept the names the same and based the plot on the blurb on the back cover.  I mean…Vampire Diaries didn’t even keep all the names the same.  They changed Aunt Judith to Aunt Jenna and turned Elena’s four-year-old sister into a teenage brother with a drug problem.  So…yeah.
Anyway, when she found out I was a book person, my fellow server asked me if I had read 50 Shades of Grey.  I told her I’d tried to (and I blogged about my experience with it not once, but twice).  She then expressed genuine surprise at the fact that I was not captivated by the yarn that E. L. James spun.  I began to cite my reasons – namely the lack of pacing, the fact that it’s just fan fiction, the overuse of the “inner goddess” and “subconscious,” and, of course, the fact that she was using the concept of the “subconscious” incorrectly.  My colleague rebutted with “Yeah, but who cares?” and “No, haven’t you ever looked at a guy and thought, ‘Oh, he has a great ass,’ or something like that?”  I couldn’t make her understand that “subconscious” does not mean “things that are thought in private without being spoken out loud.”  And all this leads me to a few things that I’d like to point out.  Because that conversation made me angry.  Really angry.
Bex Smash
But I fear that some might misinterpret the direction of my righteous fury, so I wanted to set a few things straight.
1. I have no right (nor does anyone) to tell people what they can and can’t enjoy reading.  I myself enjoyed reading the first Twilight book, before I delved too deeply below the surface.  If people like Twilight and 50 Shades, I can’t stop them.  That’s not my place, and I couldn’t if I wanted to.  What I do hate, and I’ve said this before I think, is fanaticism.  When you throw yourself so wholly into something that you won’t even listen to an opposing opinion – or worse, opposing opinions make you angry – that’s when we have a problem.  For example, I have a lot of Taylor Swift’s music.  I think it’s catchy.  Yet I still loved the post my best friend wrote about her, and if Taylor Swift were on trial for murder, I would not volunteer to act as a witness in her defense.  I don’t know the girl.  I accept that I like her music without showing loyalty to her as a person.  If someone else doesn’t like her music, I don’t punch them.
2. I have no problem with people reading any novels that fall under the following categories: Romance, Beach Read, Chick Lit, Trashy, Girl Porn, etc.  I myself write books that Barnes & Noble would call “Teen Paranormal Romance.”  And I have read a dozen books by Romance author, Sherrilyn Kenyon, whose male protagonist in one of the books undresses himself twice before having sex.  A different male protagonist – a native Spanish speaker – in one of the other books in the series spoke incorrect Spanish.  “Lo qué son?” he asked, which means roughly “What are they it?”  (It should have been “¿Qué son?”)  The point I’m trying to make here is that you can read and enjoy whatever books you want, and they don’t all have to be Pullitzer-worthy.  What I really want is for people to be able to distinguish between these books and original works of literary genius.  Can there be a romance novel that is a well-written work with depth?  Absolutely!  Are all books created equal?  Nope.  Call me a book racist, but I believe many books are better than others, and I would like other people to acknowledge that, too.
3. Am I a hypocrite?  Earlier I talked about how I dislike fanaticism, blind adoration, and the like.  But I fanatically hate 50 Shades right?  I wrote a ridiculously subjective list of objective reasons why Twilight is bad.  So doesn’t that mean I’m a fanatic?  Maybe.  But let me tell you something:  If you came up to me and said “I enjoyed reading Twilight because…” and inserted a reason or two, I’d listen to you.  I might debate with you.  I like debating.  That doesn’t mean I’ll hate you for your reasons, or think your reasons are invalid.  And, yes, that only makes me slightly better than the fanatics I have decried here today, but it’s something.
4. Most importantly, if people want to read about BDSM then I want them to read it from a book that isn’t going to give them the wrong impression about it.  When I called Christian Grey abusive, my coworker said “NO!  He’s dominant and she’s submissive!  That’s how it works!”  And that’s when I nearly Hulked out.  Because no, that’s not how it works.  When people think of abusive relationships, I think they often miss the fact that abuse doesn’t have to be physical.  Let me run you through a little scenario to explain what I mean.  Keep in mind both Edward Cullen and Christian Grey here, okay?  They’re the same person anyway.
Say you have a daughter.  If you already have a daughter, you are a step ahead.  Congrats.  Say your daughter is sixteen and she comes home one day to tell you that she has a new boyfriend.  You learn quickly that your daughter’s boyfriend…
– Snuck into her room to watch her sleep for months before they started dating.
– Displayed a great deal of jealousy and anger toward all your daughter’s other male friends.
– Made decisions for your daughter, sometimes going as far as breaking her car in order to stop her from seeing a male friend AND/OR deciding he doesn’t like the car she’s driving, so buys her a new one and makes her drive that one instead.
– And finally, last but not least, he told your daughter that he is very, very tempted to kill her.
What would you say to your daughter at that point?  Would you tell her she should love him more for resisting that urge to kill her?  That his not murdering her so far is a point in his favor?  Or would you tell her she couldn’t see this boy anymore?
Okay.  That’s what’s wrong with the relationship in 50 Shades (and Twilight).  Setting aside the fact that Christian goes about initiating a Dom/Sub relationship completely and utterly wrong, he is also a manipulative, controlling, emotionally abusive man.
So, in conclusion, do books like Twilight and 50 Shades make me angry?  Absolutely.  Because I want people to expect more out of the books they read, and to hold authors up to a higher standard.  Do I hate people who enjoy the books?  No.  It just frustrates me and makes me kind of sad, but their lives are theirs.
That’s all.  If you’ve read this far, thank you.  I have an idea for a comic but I haven’t drawn it yet.  Next time!  I promise.
Word of the Day: Decry (v) – To speak disparagingly of; denounce as faulty or worthless; express censure of.

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